Matthew Pryor on May 3, 2013 at 2:56 pm ∞
Hey guys, my name is Matthew, I’m 14, and i had just recently gotten into film making, though i haven’t yet made a film, I started to work on a script for a multi-part movie (Well more of a show.) But i was going to put it on YouTube. I was wondering if you guys could have a look at the first part. I know its not the best but if you could give me some feed back on parts you think i should change then that would be great!
Here is the PDF download: http://www.mediafire.com/?8n8xr13aoh5980q
O'Ryan McEntire on May 5, 2013 at 5:56 am ∞
Welcome to Filmpunch Matthew! We are glad you are here!
So I took a look at your script – Wow Great start! I am impressed at what you have written for a 14 year old! This is a great start to a intriguing story.
I went through your script and added some comments to different sections. I want to warn you – I got pretty nit picky and detailed in some sections. I don’t want you to read that as I thought it sucked or that you messed up or anything. Like I said I thought it was great and I was really impressed!
The notes that I did give you are things that me as an outside reader was either confused on or thought you could make a bit better. Many are just script formatting things and aren’t a huge deal for use Independent guys but if you ever want to submit your work to anyone who has been working in the industry for a while you will want to make absolutely sure you have script formatting down. So might as well start now and make it a habit!
A few notes that I didn’t put in there:
I think you have a few too many characters. I forgot who was traveling in your crew. David especially never really showed up until the end. I think you might have a better more solid character base if you took your characters and grouped them into 2 main characters. Maybe just John and Ben. However, if these other characters are important later on and can’t be combined, then by all means keep them in there. It’s much easier as a writer to develop 1-2 main characters. It’s also easier for an audience to grow attached to 1-3 characters. Not to say it can’t be done with more; It’s just becomes a little more challenging. Also as an independent filmmaker it will be easier to find 3 dedicated cast members vs 6-7.
The other thing is, typically proper script format will allow you to know how long your film will be. In general pages equal minutes. Your script is about 15 pages. 15 minutes is a long first video. I also don’t think this story needs to be 15 minutes. I think if you strip out a bunch of the stuff that doesn’t need to be there and isn’t adding to your story and helping it move forward you can get this video under 4-5 minutes. You are more likely to retain a internet based viewer for 3-5 minutes than you are for 15 minutes. Many will see the length and bail before even starting the video.
On that note I would also recommend you start with a few really short films. 1-2 minutes max. Maybe even do it in the style and theme of this script. Get some practice in on small and easy projects. Then when it comes time for you to do this story you will be prepared and know what to expect and how to handle it.
But, like I said, Matthew, I think you have a great start here and look forward to seeing your work on film!
Here is the PDF with my notes:
O'Ryan McEntire on May 6, 2013 at 1:31 am ∞
I’m not going to lie, I liked the story in your first draft better.
So the take away: Don’t abandon your original story. It has some great potential. It just needs to be streamlined.
Matthew Pryor on May 6, 2013 at 10:25 pm ∞
Here is my new draft for you to check out.
PDF download: http://www.mediafire.com/?r0tsgy36v73l01d
Matthew Pryor on May 7, 2013 at 11:40 pm ∞
Episode 1 PDF Download: http://www.mediafire.com/?bi4fay0iw64p9f7
Episode 2 PDF Download: http://www.mediafire.com/?aeh4o7chq0dch58
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