New to it all! :D

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Avatar of Matthew Pryor
Matthew Pryor on May 3, 2013 at 2:56 pm

Hey guys, my name is Matthew, I’m 14, and i had just recently gotten into film making, though i haven’t yet made a film, I started to work on a script for a multi-part movie (Well more of a show.) But i was going to put it on YouTube. I was wondering if you guys could have a look at the first part. I know its not the best but if you could give me some feed back on parts you think i should change then that would be great! :D

Here is the PDF download: http://www.mediafire.com/?8n8xr13aoh5980q

Avatar of O'Ryan McEntire
O'Ryan McEntire on May 5, 2013 at 5:56 am

Welcome to Filmpunch Matthew! We are glad you are here!

So I took a look at your script – Wow Great start! I am impressed at what you have written for a 14 year old! This is a great start to a intriguing story.

I went through your script and added some comments to different sections. I want to warn you – I got pretty nit picky and detailed in some sections. I don’t want you to read that as I thought it sucked or that you messed up or anything. Like I said I thought it was great and I was really impressed!

The notes that I did give you are things that me as an outside reader was either confused on or thought you could make a bit better. Many are just script formatting things and aren’t a huge deal for use Independent guys but if you ever want to submit your work to anyone who has been working in the industry for a while you will want to make absolutely sure you have script formatting down. So might as well start now and make it a habit!

A few notes that I didn’t put in there:

I think you have a few too many characters. I forgot who was traveling in your crew. David especially never really showed up until the end. I think you might have a better more solid character base if you took your characters and grouped them into 2 main characters. Maybe just John and Ben. However, if these other characters are important later on and can’t be combined, then by all means keep them in there. It’s much easier as a writer to develop 1-2 main characters. It’s also easier for an audience to grow attached to 1-3 characters. Not to say it can’t be done with more; It’s just becomes a little more challenging. Also as an independent filmmaker it will be easier to find 3 dedicated cast members vs 6-7.

The other thing is, typically proper script format will allow you to know how long your film will be. In general pages equal minutes. Your script is about 15 pages. 15 minutes is a long first video. I also don’t think this story needs to be 15 minutes. I think if you strip out a bunch of the stuff that doesn’t need to be there and isn’t adding to your story and helping it move forward you can get this video under 4-5 minutes. You are more likely to retain a internet based viewer for 3-5 minutes than you are for 15 minutes. Many will see the length and bail before even starting the video.

On that note I would also recommend you start with a few really short films. 1-2 minutes max. Maybe even do it in the style and theme of this script. Get some practice in on small and easy projects. Then when it comes time for you to do this story you will be prepared and know what to expect and how to handle it.

But, like I said, Matthew, I think you have a great start here and look forward to seeing your work on film!

Here is the PDF with my notes:
http://filmpunch.org/x/MatthewPryor_FreedomFighters_ORyanNotes.pdf
(Let me know if you can’t see my notes in there)

Avatar of Matthew Pryor
Matthew Pryor on May 5, 2013 at 8:03 am

Thanks! Ill be sure to look at it and make my changes, and i do agree it was going to be kinda hard to do that so thanks for the feedback! :)

Avatar of Matthew Pryor
Matthew Pryor on May 5, 2013 at 4:24 pm

Hi O’Ryan,
I changed a few things at the beginning of the script and also shortened it to only 4 pages, here is the PDF of it if you could have a look at that one. Thanks! :)

PDF download: http://www.mediafire.com/?789m20t28gp6cgv

Avatar of O'Ryan McEntire
O'Ryan McEntire on May 6, 2013 at 1:31 am

I’m not going to lie, I liked the story in your first draft better.
Did you see the notes in the PDF I gave you? I don’t think you should throw out so much of your story. I just think it can be streamlined a bit.

So the take away: Don’t abandon your original story. It has some great potential. It just needs to be streamlined.

Avatar of Matthew Pryor
Matthew Pryor on May 6, 2013 at 9:14 am

Ok, ill work on it some more. Thanks for the feed back! :)

Avatar of Matthew Pryor
Matthew Pryor on May 6, 2013 at 10:25 pm

Hi O’Ryan,
I am still changing the stuff and I’m trying to take as much if what you suggested and put it into the script, and for shortening the episodes i am instead going to split it off at when the find Shelby, and end episode 1 there, then all that was left from then on will be episode 2, but i will also throw some more in there.

Here is my new draft for you to check out.

PDF download: http://www.mediafire.com/?r0tsgy36v73l01d

Avatar of Matthew Pryor
Matthew Pryor on May 7, 2013 at 11:40 pm

O’Ryan,
I finished episode 2 now and so if you have time could you read through episode 1 and 2 and tell me what you think? Thanks :)

Episode 1 PDF Download: http://www.mediafire.com/?bi4fay0iw64p9f7

Episode 2 PDF Download: http://www.mediafire.com/?aeh4o7chq0dch58

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